MY BLOG

HEY GUYS(:
My blog is now http://cluelessiz.blogspot.com/ if you wanna check it out you can....

Letting Go

There comes a point in everyone person's life when they feel like they just can't stay in the situation there in. So move, try a different job, or go to extremes and commit suicide. Recently I have let go, I have found a way to maybe improve my home situation and to be honest with all you I'm scared out of my mind. I have a hard time excepting that I have no idea what's going to happen next.

Letting go is hard. Some people have to let go of jobs that they have worked so hard to get / create, and some have to let go of other things like loved ones after they pass. For me letting go of something is scary especially if I don't know the outcome, but it may also be exactly what you need.

School is important, but it's a good idea to take a break and re-coop after a long year (hence summer vacation or smaller vacations if your into that stuff.) It's important to know if your burnt out and if you need to let go and take a break or even fully let go if you know deep down inside it's the right thing, but that's no excuse for suicide and there's other options so don't think that I'm saying you should feel like that's a option.

I love you guys & I'm so sorry I have been unable to post due to technical difficulties (my charger for my laptop broke :P ) I will try to post more and keep you guys up to date on all things fallen musician.

Peace,
Fallen Musician

ps. I love you all sooo much!!!

Trust

HEyyy Guys,

     So you know your best friends right!?!? the guy/gal that's always got yo back no matter what(: Well I'm here to tell you that in my life I got that and I feel really bad for people who don't. My friends are my family there is no grey area when it comes to that, but what peeves me off is when all my teachers think I trust all of them the same amount. I hate to break it to all of them but I don't. There are different kinds of friends so there is different levels of trust I have for all of them. You see here, I have this one friend Isabella and she is well…. how do I put this not the most trustworthy person ever so I don't tell her everything. Then there's DogTag which despite our differences (and there is a lot of them) she is there for me and has my back. Now not to sound conceded but I do have quite a few of friends but mainly juss' a few people who I can go to for anything. 

     Now what drives me crazy is when my teachers think I trust them, they think that I will tell them anythings. That is so untrue the fact of the matter is for me to trust you you have to earn it and most teachers don't, or if they do they misuse my trust and everything ends. Trust is a two way street, and if

Love, 

Fallen Musician 

Suicide

Hey Guys,

Things have been rough in my world. A friend of mine is struggling with suicide thoughts and it made me remember what it was like to feel that way. I know you all have heard it but there is no reason ever invented that you should feel like you need to end your life just to get out of the situation you are in. I know your reading this thinking "what do you know, you feel like dying all the time" and yes I know but here's the thing I pull myself together and I know that in my faith I can get through anything. Guess what guys!?!? I love each and everyone of you and I know I tell you this all the time but seriously it's true.

Don't do something that you can't take back please, please get help if you need it and never ever be afraid of what's going to happen. 

Love,

Fallen Musician

Giving Up

Dear God,

I feel like crap…. over and over again I try, over and over again I lie and over and over again I cry. I can't do it anymore I hate this life I hate being here dealing with this crap I can't do it anymore. I have to keep living I have to deal with this and all for what reward no matter what I'm gonna end up in hell even though I love you even though I try my best I hate this I hate this!!!!!!! I got myself into a load of shit that I can't get myself out of I…. I'm sorry

Above is my first suicide note I have ever wrote. Giving up is something that we all will do at one point in our lives and I don't mean just killing yourself is the only thing that could happen I mean it could be anything sports, music, even something as simple and starting up a garden. Sometimes giving up is the right thing to do sometimes it's what you NEED to do, but other times you just can't let go and give up. 

Recently I fell down and I couldn't get back up and I wanted to kill myself I'm not gonna lie it's a rough road but we all go through it. I knew deep down I had to pull myself up and keep going even for just a day. Now I live a day at a time now focussing on the small things that will keep me going and until I can make it through this and look for the positive things going on in my future. 

Like I said sometimes giving up is a good thing. For example if you absolutely hate what your doing on YouTube and your only doing those videos to get a better audience, you should give that up because your not enjoying it and it's not worth it.

I love ya guys! Peace out
-Fallen Musician 

Vocation

The richest place in the world is the graveyard! That’s right, the graveyard. In it lies all the people who had great ideas that would have made them wealthy, but they listened instead to some negative person who used the word ‘‘can’t’’ and they believed them.

-Willie Jolley, excerpt from the book, It Only Takes A Minute To Change Your Life 

     So guess what?!?!? I go to a school that is, a regular amazin' place filled with smart people, but when it comes to getting deep and talkin' about the  hard stuff it's like BAM nobody talks and everyone is uncomfortable. Today we talked about vocation which is a sense of knowing what you wanna do and who we wanna be. Personally I am different then the rest of my family and when I'm older I want to help people and leave a impact on the world around me. Vocation is not something that you are ify on it's 100% I want to do this and nothing is going to stop me. The problem is though is sometimes people ignore their "calling" and don't listen to their heart. Don't get me wrong sometimes it's going to be hard but someday if you truly follow your dreams you'll thank me. No matter what faith you are or if you have none at all listen to your heart and follow yo dreams♫

     If your feelin' amazing and wanna put a smile on my face you can subscribe to my blog and leave a comment below tellin' me what your vocation is.

Lying

Hey Peeps,

     "If you read between the lines you will be able to find the truth, covered in shame, humiliation, and hate. Sometimes I can't believe what is hidden because it seems so extreme so vivid. I can't tell you how many times I threaten to  lie to fill your hunger for the truth with false information I can't tell you how many times I break down and see the real me and scream out of anger and disgust you think I can't lie to you. You think I can't do what I do because I am weak well your wrong in fact your all too wrong."

     Written above is an unsent letter to my family. I have lived with lies for a long time. The only people who understand and know the truth are my friends. I can't tell you how much lying is a danger and can hurt people you love all around you. Many people, including most of my friends, don't taking lying seriously they use it for all the wrong reasons they don't understand how to use the skill correctly. 

     I am a protector. A lot of my friends struggle everyday with keeping themselves safe and out of harm from their abusers, bullies, and even themselves I am often put in the position to lie for them and keep the things that are going on in their lives a secret. I also have to protect myself a lot of people don't know how much I am away from home on the run and away from everything surrounding me and I would love to keep it that way. 

     This blog (if you didn't know already) is anonymous, because of the things said and are revealed throughout it if this were to get out and, people found out who we are we would be screwed. My blog and rant-off are amazing tools used in the correct way, because we are able to get the voice of teens out there I'm sure if your a teen right now you understand how powerful this is and how much of an eye opener this is for adults. That's why we lie about the blog to others and this is our little secret. 

Love Ya,

-Fallen Musician

Getting Help

The hardest point in someones life is when they have to admit to themselves that they need help. I am one of those people, and sadly there is no help  that I can get. I am sad, overwhelmed and I see a counselor talk to people but it keeps getting worse. Some people hate admitting they need help because it makes them feel weak or that they are just in it for attention, but of the time that isn't true. Now you don't just need to get help for advice reasons. A lot of people struggle in school and never get the help they need. People get embarrassed, and feel stupid for trying to get help when really it takes courage and strength to admit when you need help..

Love ya peeps,
Fallen Musician

Why Me?

I hear this question everyday, and it goes through my head all the time; why me? Everyone believes in something many people believe it's because their God has a plan for them, but I'm not going to get into that. For me I believe that everything happens for a reason and you control what's going to happen next so in other words each decision impacts other events in your life. Now if you want to through God into this then God would plan out each decisions you make so it's sort of the same thing. Everyone has the power to do good or do bad, and most people will do the wrong thing at some point in their life which will in turn effect another event. Now this doesn't just effect you. Your choices can effect others say if you decide to drink, and drive. If you get into an accident with another can and the driver dies you just impact that person's life and all their close friends and family members. If you get a certain virus that is caught by touching something with that virus on it it's your fault for touching that thing with a virus on it. I believe in a chain reaction system with no bad luck or good luck, and if you don't agree with I understad we all have our own options, but this theory makes me feel good and that I'm in control of my life when really inside I know that things happen everyday that the world may never figure out.

Love ya guys,
-Fallen Musician

Music

"Music is a form of express" am I the only one who hears this everyday? For me music is not only that, but it's a coping tool I use to deal with the my unsupportive, unforgiving parents. I love music! I write music, play instruments, listen to music, sing music (terribly if I might add,) and I couldn't life a day without it. Music is more than what people think it is. Each song I hear has a story, a meaning that sometimes no one but the artist understands. If it doesn't have a hidden meaning or message than it is a memory that the artist lives over and over again each time they hear the song, and that's why we love listening to it. I love music that takes you to other worlds, different past memories, or a future that you wish could happen. Music is everything to me, and a lot of people take it for granted.

Love ya guys hope you enjoyed this little post,
-Fallen Musician

Silence

   1  In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth.   2  The earth was without form and void, and darkness was over the face of the deep. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the face of the waters.  (© Bible.is)

In the bible it says that in the beginning there was nothing. Now I don't care what religion you are, but people were not always here. A very long time ago there was silence and something happened to bring us here and created noise for a reason. Silence is the ultimate weapon we are able to use it to break people down, to keep secrets, and ideas that can change the world. Silence may be a weapon, but is also one of the most wanted things in the world. Everyone needs time to be alone and think in silence, but yet what is silence? On dictionary.com it states; absence of any sound or noise; stillness,  but what about the constant thoughts tumbling through our mind, what about the overpowering feelings that we try to control? Do those feelings and thoughts destroy silence or make it stronger?

Luv ya peeps,

-Fallen Musician

My Insecurities

Recently on rant-off we ranted about insecurities and I mainly talked about how all people are insecure but I never really talked about my insecurities. Many times I am told everyday that I am skinny, and although to many of you that sounds amazing sometimes It get's out of hand. When my mother was still a teenager she got pregnant with me and she was never confortable with herself while she was pregnant she had an eating disorder and I know it sounds strange but now being called skinny or being accused of an eating disorder hurts so bad. On top of that I am blonde and I pretend that everything is okay and I'm perfectly fine with all the blonde jokes over and over again it hurts. I don't have supportive parents and a lot of times at home I am called an idiot, a retard and many other things that hurt, and when I hear people call me blonde or stupid at school it hits home and stings. I love my friends and I love my life, but since I'm so worried about looking good and fitting in I have fallen and done things I regret. I have had suicide thoughts when I was younger and I also self harmed. It's hard having no one to turn to and that's why I stressed so much in my rant about having supportive friends there for you to pick you up.

I truly do love each & everyone of you,
-Fallen Musician

Eavesdroppers

Imagine this walking around school complaining to your best friends about a fight you got into with you parents and the next day having your teacher come up to and say, "So I heard you talking in the halls yesterday with so & so. If you ever need to come talk to one of us were here for you." Well guess what, that has happened to me before. I hate it! For one teachers have no right to listen into other peoples conversations. Ohh and two what compels you to come up to us and tell us we can talk to you anytime we need to. Heesh I know your getting paid to deal with teenagers all day, but you don't have to go around and try to fix the world! Those kind of conversations are privately done in a hallway filled with other screaming classmates just minding their own business so newsflash stay out of ours.

Who am I?

Ahhh the age old question of who am I? Honestly this is the most unanswered question in the world. Nobody knows who they truly are. Some people have their beliefs and their own personal feelings but in my own opinion nobody really knows. I personally struggle with this I don't know who I am, but I do know how others view me and sometimes people believe that how people see them is who they really are. I love the mystery of not knowing who I truly am but, I hope to really figure it out one day.

Pressure

I swear one of the worst things in the world is pressure. Pressure, whether it's from peers or yourself, it sucks and is one of the hardest thing to deal with. I personally deal with pressure by holding everything inside and wanting to scream, but many other people get really angry or just freak out. I feel that as long as you do your best, pressure can be a good thing, but it's all about how you handle it or share it. I feel pressure from my parents all the time they always think that everything I do needs improvement and it's hard on me. I know a lot of people go through that too unsupportive parents and feeling like they can do nothing right. I don't think pressure is a bad thing at all, like most people I just think that it would be nice to take a break but I am at a place where there is a lot of pressure to do good and bad and like most people I know that a break is kind of impossible.

Holding On

I have a very complex situation that you will uncover bit by bit, but one thing that I hate being told the most is "just hold on" I am very sorry to say but what do you hold onto when there is nothing left? Okay yes I do admit that I have my strong Christian faith but seriously you think that's enough I'm still an adolescent and guess what I need my parents and there not there so the closest thing to them is my friends I cling to them and look up to them, and when I lose them holding on is not an option. I fall, I break and slowly I begin to feel nothing I never lose myself completely but I come very close and when I do I just give up and begin to live life like my parents. I start to follow my parents standards and begin losing myself. I can't change now because if I do I'll never figure out who I am. How can I hold on to nothingness. I get told everyday that I have people who care about me and are actively in my lives and I get that but sometimes you need that little push from someone who can say "I love you because you are my daughter I am here for you whenever and wherever you need me and never be afraid to come to me about anything" I need someone who I can fully trust and know that even if they do say that I can fully trust them to not tell all their or go public with the information. I need that little push not to hold on to nothingness.