My Insecurities

Recently on rant-off we ranted about insecurities and I mainly talked about how all people are insecure but I never really talked about my insecurities. Many times I am told everyday that I am skinny, and although to many of you that sounds amazing sometimes It get's out of hand. When my mother was still a teenager she got pregnant with me and she was never confortable with herself while she was pregnant she had an eating disorder and I know it sounds strange but now being called skinny or being accused of an eating disorder hurts so bad. On top of that I am blonde and I pretend that everything is okay and I'm perfectly fine with all the blonde jokes over and over again it hurts. I don't have supportive parents and a lot of times at home I am called an idiot, a retard and many other things that hurt, and when I hear people call me blonde or stupid at school it hits home and stings. I love my friends and I love my life, but since I'm so worried about looking good and fitting in I have fallen and done things I regret. I have had suicide thoughts when I was younger and I also self harmed. It's hard having no one to turn to and that's why I stressed so much in my rant about having supportive friends there for you to pick you up.

I truly do love each & everyone of you,
-Fallen Musician

Eavesdroppers

Imagine this walking around school complaining to your best friends about a fight you got into with you parents and the next day having your teacher come up to and say, "So I heard you talking in the halls yesterday with so & so. If you ever need to come talk to one of us were here for you." Well guess what, that has happened to me before. I hate it! For one teachers have no right to listen into other peoples conversations. Ohh and two what compels you to come up to us and tell us we can talk to you anytime we need to. Heesh I know your getting paid to deal with teenagers all day, but you don't have to go around and try to fix the world! Those kind of conversations are privately done in a hallway filled with other screaming classmates just minding their own business so newsflash stay out of ours.

Who am I?

Ahhh the age old question of who am I? Honestly this is the most unanswered question in the world. Nobody knows who they truly are. Some people have their beliefs and their own personal feelings but in my own opinion nobody really knows. I personally struggle with this I don't know who I am, but I do know how others view me and sometimes people believe that how people see them is who they really are. I love the mystery of not knowing who I truly am but, I hope to really figure it out one day.

Pressure

I swear one of the worst things in the world is pressure. Pressure, whether it's from peers or yourself, it sucks and is one of the hardest thing to deal with. I personally deal with pressure by holding everything inside and wanting to scream, but many other people get really angry or just freak out. I feel that as long as you do your best, pressure can be a good thing, but it's all about how you handle it or share it. I feel pressure from my parents all the time they always think that everything I do needs improvement and it's hard on me. I know a lot of people go through that too unsupportive parents and feeling like they can do nothing right. I don't think pressure is a bad thing at all, like most people I just think that it would be nice to take a break but I am at a place where there is a lot of pressure to do good and bad and like most people I know that a break is kind of impossible.

Holding On

I have a very complex situation that you will uncover bit by bit, but one thing that I hate being told the most is "just hold on" I am very sorry to say but what do you hold onto when there is nothing left? Okay yes I do admit that I have my strong Christian faith but seriously you think that's enough I'm still an adolescent and guess what I need my parents and there not there so the closest thing to them is my friends I cling to them and look up to them, and when I lose them holding on is not an option. I fall, I break and slowly I begin to feel nothing I never lose myself completely but I come very close and when I do I just give up and begin to live life like my parents. I start to follow my parents standards and begin losing myself. I can't change now because if I do I'll never figure out who I am. How can I hold on to nothingness. I get told everyday that I have people who care about me and are actively in my lives and I get that but sometimes you need that little push from someone who can say "I love you because you are my daughter I am here for you whenever and wherever you need me and never be afraid to come to me about anything" I need someone who I can fully trust and know that even if they do say that I can fully trust them to not tell all their or go public with the information. I need that little push not to hold on to nothingness.